In order to avoid vomiting all over my nice new TV, I recently refrained from viewing the horrendous spectacle that has become the MTV Video Music Awards. The whole goddamn affair looks like one of those weird Japanese game shows and I just can't bear it. I could not, however, avoid all the other media coverage polluting the web and cable, and what I saw horrified me to the very core of my being, so... WTF?!
Looking at Nikki Minaj suited up like some f*cking bootleg ninja 5th Element reject, and Katy Perry accepting her video of the year award with a goddamn block of cheese on her head, I've come to the unavoidable realization that these shit-eating motherfuckers are making fun of us. Music celebrities think they are being facetious, and we are seriously admiring them. And they think it's hilarious. Don't believe me? Just listen to some of this pseudo-techno-pop regurgitated 1980's bullshit they dish out on a weekly basis and try to pass off as music. Just look at Kanye West, who one minute fancies himself Jesus and now apparently fancies himself Hitler. Shut your f*cking mouth and make another shitty album with Beyonce's soon tah be baby daddy, you self-righteous egotistical cockstain of a human being.
This look-at-me shit has gotten totally out of hand, and it's all Lady Gaga's fault. Between the red-laced Bart Simpson costume and the 'I'm so lazy I'm just going to drape a bunch of steaks all over myself' get-up, celebrities everywhere are saying to themselves, "I bet I can make the general public fawn all over something way more stupid than that!" And here we sit, eyes glued to the TV like some mindless pack of drooling, pop-culture consuming drones while the cult of celebrity is laughing at us all the way to the bank. Chris Brown made me puke and shit my pants at the same time when he injected into his (otherwise well-choreographed) dance routine some ridiculous black-guy-imitates-a-white-guy-head-banging bullshit over Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Congratulations Chris, Kurt Cobain's corpse just blew what was left of his decaying head off AGAIN.
It seems music celebrities have been committing considerably less suicide than they have in the past - now these jerk-offs are embracing fame, to the detriment of you and I. F*ck these people. I understand that they may just be puppets for the music industry; f*ckboys for the corporate MTV machine, but they are still part of the conspiracy to assume the inanity and general brain-rot of the consumer. So, I urge you: steal their music! Don't give these assholes another f*cking dime. Download their shit, make a million copies, and hand them out to all your friends. You may not have any left after you poison their eardrums, but at least you'd be sacrificing them for the greater good.
Last night I downloaded Katy Perry's new album, masturbated to the JPEG of the CD cover, and passed out fifty copies to Baltimore's homeless population. Do your part. Fight these fascist fiendish f*cktards and hit 'em where it hurts. Smash up your TV, steal pop music, and support local music.